Today we had our first Chill Session in our scholars' org, Gabay, where a question was raised that made me think. "If you are not in Ateneo now, where would you be?" And it seemed a silly question-just to raise interest, or to have a discussion for passing time. But I, of course, could not avoid where my stream of consciousness took me. Upon arriving home, I ended up thinking about that silly question which I just shrugged off moments ago. Where would I be?
I was not thinking along the lines of Ateneo vs. UP, or anything related to academics, really. Instead, I pondered on the other things that I had previously neglected because they seemed so insignificant to me back then. I carefully went back to those little details, and on how everything happened at that precise moment when they did. Would anything change had something happened a second too late?
Of course, I would not know, and I could only imagine. What if my father never left, or what if my mother never met my stepfather? What if I never studied in a science high school? What if I chose a different course? Or a different set of friends? Or a different pastime or hobby? What if I chose to love someone else? Or what if I never gave love a chance at all? What if I never paid attention in class, or join all those orgs back in high school? What if I never joined those contests that I failed to win at anyway? Or what if I never even tried to develop those skills which others were way better off with than me anyway? What if I never used my passion with words to express my heart, or my passion with numbers to express my mind? What if I never took those great leaps of faith in trusting others with the most delicate interiors of my being? What if my mom, my dad, my stepfather did not die? What if I were still living with my sister right now, and be the one taking care of her instead of a person she is not even related to? What if I took a step with my right foot instead of my left? Or left home at 9:01 instead of 9:00? Would it matter? Would any of it really matter?
I can say that I'd be better off-wealthier, happier, and healthier without those things that obscured my path and made it rocky. But saying so would mean putting myself in a place which is not meant for me. I realized that I should not look for what was gone, or what could or should have been, because these situations never existed-never had, never will. I cannot really say that I'd be better off, even IF it means that I'd be wealthier, happier, and healthier.
And upon thousands of realizations, I decided that I have a lot to be thankful for. I am already blessed with so much more than I deserve, I do not need to envy what others have, because their lives are totally and incomparably different from mine. I used to say that I was happy despite the many holes in my life. But I was wrong. Just because somebody else has something that I do not have, does not mean that it is deprived from me. There was never anything missing in my life, because the things that aren't here were never meant for me. My life is perfect and full and great as it is. So now I say that I am happy with my life-no more "despite's".
I really am glad, realizing now that all those pieces, which are fairly jagged but nonetheless fit together, forming this large picture is anything but insignificant. I put those pieces together and looked at the outcome-it was... Perfect. And that is exactly what my life is right here, right now. I wouldn't want anything less than what I have.
Thank you God for blessing me, much more than I deserve.
Blessings
Take me there
And I want to know everything
No, not what everyone else
knows from reading your lips
and taking a glimpse of the surface
and seeing the ripples that make you cringe and cry
and smelling the scent that you carry
Can I be permitted to
swim into the deeper corners
of your everyday thoughts?
Of your hidden skeletons
and forgotten dreams?
I want to walk on the darker roads with you
If that's alright
Please take me
where everything else
that everyone doesn't know
lies hidden
And give me the key that opens them
I won't let you down
Trust me and we'll walk down there together
And I want you to take me there
where nothing is touched
and nothing is seen
by any other soul
besides you and me
And take me there
to where everything else lies
Take me there
It'll be our secret
Happiness
I realized that I am happy where I stand. I realized that I can easily adjust to my surroundings, both because my past experiences made it easy for me and because I really need to. I have this feeling that I will genuinely love my next five years in Ateneo. But the present aside, I also realized that there is really no other thing like high school.
Yesterday I paid a visit to my friends in UPD. Now, I wasn't really the type of person who had a normal high school experience. I was always excused from classes, so I wasn't really there during intense bonding moments. Honestly, there were a lot of things (and a lot of people) to regret. Though I was a friend to almost everyone, I didn't really feel that I had a permanent clique aside from Denise and Monica. This is why I was a bit overwhelmed when my ex-classmates gave me a huge welcome and a lot of I-miss-you's. It felt as if we were all super close before. Yesterday I realized that we all value our high school lives and preserve the best of what our memories hold. And in those moments where I was conquered by those emotions, my regrets were all instantly forgotten. High school became this heavier and warmer place in my heart. I knew then that these were the faces I would remember forever.
Don't get me wrong, of course I still enjoy where I am right now. Still, I'm terrified of the future. Especially in this path I chose. Intimidation might get the best of me. I'm afraid I will do more stupid things. I'm afraid of rejection and failure. Ewan, ang labo nga ng blog post na 'to eh. I guess I'm just saying that I'm beginning to value the past just because it IS already in the past. I remember everything I had and everyone I met. And it just sort of sucks to have to do it all over again. Hopefully though, I'll be more mature this time. I won't be one to regret anymore. I'll use my head and intuition and a lot more common sense.
Takte. Ang random lang talaga.
I hope I meet more awesome people with whom I can comfortably be myself with for the next few years. College, be good to me. :))
Good Morning
Ang ganda ng morning. Naalala kita. Nag-aaway tayo. Ok lang. Sorry lang. Tapos okay na. Iyak. Tawa. Harot. Puso ko, masaya. Ngumingiti ka. Yung sakit, nakalimutan na. Sorry ha. Mahal kita. Yun lang naman talaga. Mahal kita.
:)
YES!
Pag nabasa niyo yung title ng blog ko, as in pasigaw niyo sabihin with matching emotions ha. Ang kahulugan niyang malaking YES! na yan is equal to “YES! Natapos ko rin ang 50-item homework sa Math 18! WOOHOO!”
Pero isang bahagi lang yan ng bago kong college life. Pwede na mag-cut. Pwede na magsuot ng kahit anong gusto mo (kahit may “dress code” daw sabi ng teachers). Pwede nang hindi tumayo kapag nagrecite. Pwede nang maki-wi-fi kahit saan. Pwede nang kumain sa study hall na may aircon. Masaya talaga. Medyo hindi ako nahirapan mag-adjust. Ang mahirap lang, well, mahirap talaga. Lalo na math. Siyempre, ang course ko applied math, kaya madugo talaga. Pero yung ibang subjects, madali PA naman. Nakakagulat lang, isang linggo pa lang pala ang pasukan, pero pakiramdam ko, isang buwan na.
Mas ginaganahan din akong mag-aral dito, kasi pakiramdam ko may saysay na finally ang mga lessons sa future namin. Di katulad noong high school na basta may maibigay lang na homework sila sir toot at sila ma’am toot, go lang ng go. Iba talaga feeling. Kaya mas gaganahan ka talagang magseryoso. At siyempre, kailangan ko talaga magseryoso kundi, bye scholarship.
Gusto ko rin matutunang mailapit yung puso ko kay God. Relihiyoso daw ang mga Atenista, kaya sana marami rin akong matutunan tungkol sa Kanya. Nakakapansisi kasi, noong high school, napalayo talaga ang loob ko sa relihiyon. Tulungan niyo akong maging banal!
Na-blog mode tuloy ako. Natutuwa ako na nasa puso ko talaga ang pag-aaral ng kursong pinili ko. At mas natutuwa naman ako sa University na pinili ko. Happiness! Tralala.
Proud Atenista na talaga ako. :D
P.S. Hindi Arrreneo. Hindi maarteng conyo stereotype ang lahat ng tao dito. Like, tingnan niyo me, I’m nagtatagalog pa rin naman diba? :))) jk.
The End
Is the world finally coming to its bitter end? I, for one, was not a believer of the 12.21.2012 "the end of the world" trend. Like the former "end of the world" theory of 2000, I simply put it off as another false prophecy. Though recently, terrifying news about calamities have been spreading like wildfire all over international news. Libyans are doomed under the wrath of the evil dictator a hundred times worse than Marcos ever was, the Japanese are pathetically coping with the tsunami's horrible effects, and God-knows-what will happen next. I read and re-read the news online. I researched about bible predictions, Gnostic texts, Nostradamus and the Mayans, and other news related to this. There have been a lot of preparations by the US and Russia, such as underground shelters and submarines strong enough to withstand... well, 2012. Read these.
Our earth is constantly loosing the south pole. We are experiencing this and people don't even know about this phenomenon. Final stage of this is called pole shift, which can occur on December 21th 2012 according to our scientists. Earthquakes and volcanic activity are happening more and more often. All Greece was in fire in 2007 and people couldn't manage it at all. Country was devastated - turned from paradise to hell in few days. Many people lost their homes, everything. But it's not only Greece and fire... There was 80 earthquakes in March 2010. Thousands people have died and we were hopeless. Island's volcano erupted, causing paralysis of European airports for weeks or maybe even months. Tornadoes, tsunamis, , floods... In last years, it has became common... What will happen in 2012? God bless us all.
2012 Nostradamus predictions paint a bleak picture of massive destruction and havoc brought about by a comet. It is not clear whether this comet will strike the earth or will pass very close to our planet, causing massive earthquakes and other cataclysmic occurrences. But all interpreters of his quatrains are united on the opinion that it will be a comet which will come somewhere in December 2012. Nostradamus writes in one of his quatrains – “In the sky will be seen a great fire dragging a trail of sparks”. This line clearly suggest a comet and many are of the opinion that it will be very big in size. Certain interpreters put the size to be just a little less than the planet Jupiter, and if such a comet passes close to the earth the effect of its gravity will cause the oceans to rise and also give rise to earthquakes.
For 2012 Nostradamus also suggest that because of the massive destruction caused by the comet there will be widespread anarchy and certain nations can take advantage and plunge the world into a third World War. One of the quatrains says – “King of terror shall come from the sky. He will bring to life the King of Mongols.” This line has been interpreted that after the coming of the comet China will gain prominence and might start attacking countries to gain supremacy.
2012 Nostradamus predictions also gives an indication of the fate of certain nations, and how long the comet will be seen in the skies. He mentions – “The Great Star will blaze for Seven days” meaning the comet will be very near the earth for seven days and nights. Further he says – “The Huge dog will howl at night, when the great pontiff will change lands”. The great dog is taken to be the United Kingdom by many interpreters, and the line suggests its destruction. The pontiff is taken to be the pope and hence Rome too will be destroyed
Shet kinikilabutan ako. Mamaya na ako magbblog. Inexpress ko lang ang matindi kong pagkabahala dito :D I will enlighten myself muna. :)
Ang Pag-ibig ayon sa akin.
Marahil ay sukang suka na ang blog na ito sa mga post kong nilalanggam na. Puro nalang tungkol sa love. Kung ikaw ay isang intelektwal na tao, hindi ka na mag-aaksaya ng panahon para basahin pa ito. Ngunit sa aking buhay, napagtanto kong ang pag-ibig ay isa sa mga pinakamahirap na intindihin at pag-aralang asignatura, isa sa mga pinakamahirap na sabayang mga kanta, ang kaisa-isang melodyang pilit na nilalapatan ng iba't ibang lirika ng mga tao simula pa noong unang panahon. Ano nga ba ito? Oo, nakikita ko sa kung saan saan ang kahulugan ng pag-ibig para sa karamihan. At nakikita ko rin na isa lamang ang nadatnang konklusyon-"that it is simply unexplainable." Pero iba ang pakiramdam kapag naranasan mo talaga ito. Nagdudulot ng matinding katuwaan, matinding kalungkutan, at sakit sa ulo.
Siguro rin ay wala akong karapatan para ihayag ang sarili kong opinyon, hindi ko nga naman alam kung ang nararanasan ko ngayon ay pag-ibig talaga. Pero hindi ko na kayang ipitin sa loob ang nararamdaman ko. Ang mga paghihirap, ang mga masasayang karanasan, ang lahat lahat ng matitinding bagay ay naranasan ko nang dahil dito. Hindi ko na kayang ikimkim pa ang mga damdaming ito. Kaya ito ang pag-ibig para sa akin.
Tama nga sila. "It is simply unexplainable." At hindi ko na susubukin pa ang isang imposibleng bagay. Lulubusin ko na lang itong "damdaming" tinuturing kong "pag-ibig" :)