Today we had our first Chill Session in our scholars' org, Gabay, where a question was raised that made me think. "If you are not in Ateneo now, where would you be?" And it seemed a silly question-just to raise interest, or to have a discussion for passing time. But I, of course, could not avoid where my stream of consciousness took me. Upon arriving home, I ended up thinking about that silly question which I just shrugged off moments ago. Where would I be?
I was not thinking along the lines of Ateneo vs. UP, or anything related to academics, really. Instead, I pondered on the other things that I had previously neglected because they seemed so insignificant to me back then. I carefully went back to those little details, and on how everything happened at that precise moment when they did. Would anything change had something happened a second too late?
Of course, I would not know, and I could only imagine. What if my father never left, or what if my mother never met my stepfather? What if I never studied in a science high school? What if I chose a different course? Or a different set of friends? Or a different pastime or hobby? What if I chose to love someone else? Or what if I never gave love a chance at all? What if I never paid attention in class, or join all those orgs back in high school? What if I never joined those contests that I failed to win at anyway? Or what if I never even tried to develop those skills which others were way better off with than me anyway? What if I never used my passion with words to express my heart, or my passion with numbers to express my mind? What if I never took those great leaps of faith in trusting others with the most delicate interiors of my being? What if my mom, my dad, my stepfather did not die? What if I were still living with my sister right now, and be the one taking care of her instead of a person she is not even related to? What if I took a step with my right foot instead of my left? Or left home at 9:01 instead of 9:00? Would it matter? Would any of it really matter?
I can say that I'd be better off-wealthier, happier, and healthier without those things that obscured my path and made it rocky. But saying so would mean putting myself in a place which is not meant for me. I realized that I should not look for what was gone, or what could or should have been, because these situations never existed-never had, never will. I cannot really say that I'd be better off, even IF it means that I'd be wealthier, happier, and healthier.
And upon thousands of realizations, I decided that I have a lot to be thankful for. I am already blessed with so much more than I deserve, I do not need to envy what others have, because their lives are totally and incomparably different from mine. I used to say that I was happy despite the many holes in my life. But I was wrong. Just because somebody else has something that I do not have, does not mean that it is deprived from me. There was never anything missing in my life, because the things that aren't here were never meant for me. My life is perfect and full and great as it is. So now I say that I am happy with my life-no more "despite's".
I really am glad, realizing now that all those pieces, which are fairly jagged but nonetheless fit together, forming this large picture is anything but insignificant. I put those pieces together and looked at the outcome-it was... Perfect. And that is exactly what my life is right here, right now. I wouldn't want anything less than what I have.
Thank you God for blessing me, much more than I deserve.
Blessings
Take me there
And I want to know everything
No, not what everyone else
knows from reading your lips
and taking a glimpse of the surface
and seeing the ripples that make you cringe and cry
and smelling the scent that you carry
Can I be permitted to
swim into the deeper corners
of your everyday thoughts?
Of your hidden skeletons
and forgotten dreams?
I want to walk on the darker roads with you
If that's alright
Please take me
where everything else
that everyone doesn't know
lies hidden
And give me the key that opens them
I won't let you down
Trust me and we'll walk down there together
And I want you to take me there
where nothing is touched
and nothing is seen
by any other soul
besides you and me
And take me there
to where everything else lies
Take me there
It'll be our secret
Happiness
I realized that I am happy where I stand. I realized that I can easily adjust to my surroundings, both because my past experiences made it easy for me and because I really need to. I have this feeling that I will genuinely love my next five years in Ateneo. But the present aside, I also realized that there is really no other thing like high school.
Yesterday I paid a visit to my friends in UPD. Now, I wasn't really the type of person who had a normal high school experience. I was always excused from classes, so I wasn't really there during intense bonding moments. Honestly, there were a lot of things (and a lot of people) to regret. Though I was a friend to almost everyone, I didn't really feel that I had a permanent clique aside from Denise and Monica. This is why I was a bit overwhelmed when my ex-classmates gave me a huge welcome and a lot of I-miss-you's. It felt as if we were all super close before. Yesterday I realized that we all value our high school lives and preserve the best of what our memories hold. And in those moments where I was conquered by those emotions, my regrets were all instantly forgotten. High school became this heavier and warmer place in my heart. I knew then that these were the faces I would remember forever.
Don't get me wrong, of course I still enjoy where I am right now. Still, I'm terrified of the future. Especially in this path I chose. Intimidation might get the best of me. I'm afraid I will do more stupid things. I'm afraid of rejection and failure. Ewan, ang labo nga ng blog post na 'to eh. I guess I'm just saying that I'm beginning to value the past just because it IS already in the past. I remember everything I had and everyone I met. And it just sort of sucks to have to do it all over again. Hopefully though, I'll be more mature this time. I won't be one to regret anymore. I'll use my head and intuition and a lot more common sense.
Takte. Ang random lang talaga.
I hope I meet more awesome people with whom I can comfortably be myself with for the next few years. College, be good to me. :))